I write stories that fill a very tiny niche. My books are very much either where I drop fantasy elements into horror (Fading Lights) or I add horror elements to fantasy (Assassins of Dakaal). They’ve been called steamy, though they definitely weren’t written to be that at all.
They are the stories of characters. Flawed characters. Sometimes good. Sometimes bad. When I write it is because I want to share the story of a character. A character that has arrived in my mind, with all the flaws and imperfections that they might have.
I write stories that feature often good people who go through terrible horrors. Sometimes I write bad people too. I write all sorts of people because the world contains all sorts of people. Good things happen to bad people. Bad things happen to good people.
I won’t go into any book thinking this is my message/goal/point I want to make and preach some moral. I go into my writing with the goal of telling this character’s story as authentically to THAT character, as I can. Whether I agree with their views, their flaws, their actions, or not as a writer. Oftentimes I find my characters just as disturbing as many readers do.
For thirty years I followed the world of Traditional publishing. I had dreams too of being a best-seller, movies made of my books, and living in a castle with my horse and my cats…that’s the dream of Traditional publishing. The reality of it is, however, that it’s more akin to winning the lottery to strike that part of it. How many authors can you name that are household names? I bet it’s the same authors for most people. A handful. Do you know the names of midlist writers as well? Many midlist writers live comfortable lives (or even uncomfortable ones because midlist is still not a wealthy place to be from my understanding).
The more I researched the more I realized that it was just not the path for me. I want to tell the stories of my characters in a way that is true and authentic to who they are.
If you do any amount of research into the Traditional publishing world and dig deeper, there are formulas for the books they publish. They have a box you have to fit into or your work goes immediately into the trash pile. I have researched for years the blogs of agents, and publishers, trying to find the secret to getting in.
The secret really is you either have to have written by some random chance (or by design) exactly what they are publishing/looking for….or…you have to be willing to change what you wrote into that.
We won’t mention the many….many disappointing lawsuits that big-name mid-list authors are going through (please at least go see what happened to Peter S. Beagle, it’s tragic, support him if you can but not through the ways where he doesn’t profit).
I have always written dark stories. I have lived through many dark things in my life. The point is never to glorify these things but if we don’t know the monsters exist how do we fight them and keep others safe? We can’t. We turn a blind eye and people get hurt.
When I was looking to either self-publish Fading Lights or go through Traditional means, I had already spent 8 years editing Fading Lights (and…I will be re-editing them with another editor’s comments for the upcoming omnibus). I had written an apocalyptic horror series, but it had magic and elves. It also has a lot of darkness, abuse, and quite honestly disturbing things that most people will not enjoy. I didn’t write the darkness for it to be enjoyed, honestly, it’s there to make people aware and for people to look for people being hurt instead of turning a blind eye. The dark things that happen in Fading Lights are MEANT to be disturbing.
So why write them? Because as a survivor of very dark things in my past that to this day are still not fully believed, I know firsthand how society pretending these things don’t exist hurts people. I’ve been told by well-meaning ‘good’ people that there’s excessive disgusting abuse in Regret (when these are things that do happen to real people). Even worse things happen to real people. Not everyone wants to read about them or hear about them, and I respect that. However, there are real people in need of help that are hurting and going unnoticed because society has gone so far into ignoring/pretending these things don’t exist.
I was going into this journey knowing full well that some of the things in at least Taboo (which, Taboo is named because it DOES have Taboo topics in it, such as incest, abuse of younger people, things that are horrific…it is HORROR and meant to be disturbing). I was told I would have to cut most of that out to make, in Traditional publishing. Basically, they wanted me to ‘tone it down’ to an acceptable level for society.
I would not. Again, as someone who has faced challenges to get help for dark things in my own life because ‘that doesn’t happen in real life’ I cannot and will not ‘tone down’ the darkness in my books just to make more money. While I would LOVE to live off the profits of my books and continue to write as that is my passion, I will not risk being part of what is hurting so many people in dark places. My books are written to give them hope, to help them survive until they can get help, or at least make them aware that the situation they are in might not be a good one.
I was also told I would have to change the color of my character’s hair. I couldn’t have redheads. Durriken and Taxir couldn’t be darker skinned. I couldn’t have LGBTQTIA+ main characters. Diajik would have to be on the cover of all three books because he is pale-skinned and blond (even though he’s a demon). Bram, because he is the love interest, would’ve had to be changed into a woman (which…is so wrong on so many levels that’d take another whole post to dive into). Bram couldn’t be non-verbal or act as though he may be neurodiverse because disabled characters didn’t sell. He couldn’t be a flamboyant bisexual man because I am a CIS white woman in real life (even though I have family and friends in the community that are very dear to me and I write LGBTQTIA+ fiction to try to give them representation and I have my books and characters vetted by them).
Basically, I would have had to gut everything about my writing that I cared about to fit into a sterile box, and then still win the lottery of rejections over several years to get a deal for the first book. Meanwhile even if Forbidden sold, there was no guarantee the entire series would (because I know several authors who sold the first book, and the publisher did NOT pick up the rest of the series).
For me, there was no choice but to self-publish. So I have done so as professionally as I can. I have a professional editor (I did not for the trilogy until now because I WAS a professional editor for others and I thought I was good enough to edit my own. A common mistake people make, they cannot objectively edit their own work without missing things, even if you do it for over 8 years and are professionally editing for others). I have a professional book cover designer when I can afford it (even though I have also been a professional graphic designer for many years, I am NOT a specialist in book covers and that’s a huge distinction).
Four years into this journey, and over 30 years of writing later, I am able to write the stories I think I need to tell. About the characters that need to be told about. In the way I think is most effective. Am I rich and famous? No, certainly not. Will I ever be? Likely not with the niche I write in. My books are not meant for a worldwide major audience, they are in a very tiny weird niche and I know that.
Do I regret it? Not at all. The few fans that have come forward and told me how much they enjoyed my work, loved my characters, or connected in the stories in a way that was meaningful have made it all worth it. And that is what I continue to write for. The monetary gain would be nice. Being known so more people read my work and might find it helpful would be nice. But ultimately, I am writing for myself, and that small crowd of people who also need to find hope within the depths of the abyss.
Other writers might just want to write for a worldwide audience, to get a movie deal, or whatever goal they set for themselves. I will always cheer on my fellow authors as they chase their dreams. This was just my specific goal and dream for my own.